


and i would say i love you but saying it out loud is hard

by viscrael



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, M/M, Metaphors, Pining, hinata is good at making pancakes, kageyama is just So In Love and doesnt kno what to do abt it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 03:39:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3554678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viscrael/pseuds/viscrael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter how hard he tries, Kageyama thinks, he always ends up like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and i would say i love you but saying it out loud is hard

**Author's Note:**

> *slams my head thru a wall*

Somehow Kageyama always ends up back here, in Hinata’s apartment, under Hinata’s blanket, on Hinata’s couch, with his face pressed into Hinata’s pillow wishing he could stop this but knowing he can’t. He _knows_ he can’t, and he knows he should. But Kageyama has always been selfish, and now is no different.

He should be thinking about the consequences, should be thinking about how this affects Hinata, should be thinking about anything but himself. But his resolution breaks, once again, when he thinks about the boy sleeping in the room over—probably sprawled out on his bed with the covers thrown around, snoring and probably mumbling to himself because Kageyama knows for a fact that Hinata is not a quiet sleeper—and he feels the beginning of a smile coming on and has to repress it. He’s horrible. He hates it.

Hinata is blissfully unaware, as always, of the resolve that crumbles when he smiles so wide Kageyama is afraid and half-hopeful that it’ll get stuck that way, when he laughs for too long at a joke that wasn’t even that funny, when his eyes light up as he chatters on and on and on about a show he started watching or a new technique he wants to learn or what he had for lunch or whatever it is that catches his attention for the moment. He doesn’t realize just how much Kageyama is holding himself back, just how much he isn’t, just how much he hates himself for not doing more because ultimately his lack of action is going to be what ruins the relationship they’ve spent four years building, the partnership that Kageyama wouldn’t trade for anything.

Hinata is the most important thing in his life.

It was difficult to admit to himself at first because that shouldn’t be how it is, Kageyama wasn’t supposed to end up caring about him so much, wasn’t supposed to end up caring about him at _all_ outside of being teammates. Now it’s a normal thought, one that he repeats to himself without realizing it, one he feels heavy on his tongue when Hinata looks at him just right, like he’s about to blurt it out. But he always swallows it, always represses the words and changes the subject to keep himself distracted. Hinata is the most important thing in his life, but Kageyama highly doubts he’s the most important thing in Hinata’s. And besides—at the end of the day, he’s fine just being best friends and teammates if it means they get to be anything at all.

So he pretends his feelings for Hinata are platonic, for nearly four years. They’re sophomores in college now, Kageyama having just turned nineteen, and the redhead’s got his own apartment. They hang out often, but sooner or later Kageyama realized how bad of an idea that was, because seeing Hinata like this, in such a domestic setting, lounging around and watching TV, doing the laundry, fixing dinner and giving up after twenty minutes to order take out…seeing things like this is too much. Once he has to physically remove himself from the room to keep from blurting out an unprecedented confession when he visits to see Hinata making a grocery list.

Hinata, after a while, started noticing the distance Kageyama was putting between them—something that hadn’t been there since before they were second years. It’s uncharacteristic of him and he knows it, but it’s the only solution to his problem that he can seem to find. If he doesn’t put distance, he might end up too close.

Early that day, Hinata had asked Kageyama to come over to sleep over. At first, he was reluctant, afraid that that chance would’ve been too much, but Hinata had pouted and tugged on his hand and whined out a loud “Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaase, Kageyama! We haven’t hung out in ages!” successfully catching the attention of those around them. And his eyes were so _big_ and dammit, _why did he have to look cute pouting,_ so Kageyama eventually caved and agreed to come over.

They spent most of their Saturday night having a Lord of the Flies marathon, the smaller of the two wrapping them in a blanket with two cups of hot chocolate and a bowl of popcorn for the next four hours. Said boy was passed out halfway through the first movie, so Kageyama had to carry him to his room and put him to bed.

(He’d woken up halfway there, arms slung around Kageyama’s shoulders, slurring something about his current position being comfortable and the taller’s body being warm, and after he was tucked in, he’d mumbled a quiet goodnight before falling back asleep. Kageyama tries not to think about it too much. He fails.)

No matter how hard he tries, Kageyama thinks, he always ends up like this. Giving in to what he wants even if it’s not what’s best, giving himself more than he deserves. He should’ve said no to coming over. He should’ve gone home after dinner. He should’ve put his foot down and kept his distance because this hurts, goddammit, this hurts so bad. It hurts to see him and it hurts not to and it _sucks_ and Kageyama hates it.

At some point in their third year in high school, one of the first years had compared Hinata to sunshine, and Kageyama still can’t help but think that that’s the most accurate description anyone could come up with, even now. He is loud and obnoxious and bubbly and naïve. He is unwavering, unparalleled. He is orange and fire and love and voice and he is innocence and ambition and loyalty and strength.

He is blinding.

He is sunshine.

In the morning, Kageyama wakes up with his back hurting like it always does when he sleeps on the couch, and the smell of breakfast food greets him before he’s even really awake. There’s a moment where he’s confused, before he realizes that, oh, yeah, he slept over, and then _dammit why did you do that, idiot, idiot, you’re doing the opposite of what you need to,_ and then he hears a bright, bubbly voice from the open kitchenette: “Took you long enough!”

When Kageyama turns to look, he’s met with a flash of teeth, a grin that makes his stomach do somersaults, and then Hinata’s turning back around to finish putting one of the pancakes off the skillet onto a plate. “I’m almost done, so you can just sit down and I’ll be there in a sec, okay?”

Groggily, he gets up from the couch and makes his way to the kitchen, leaning against the counter, and watches, careful to hide his surprise while Hinata finishes cooking.

“Thanks for, uh,” his voice sounds gravely, “cooking.”

“Don’t get too used to it. The only thing I can cook is breakfast food, and I just figured this would be a thank you for helping me last night.”

Kageyama already knew the part about the breakfast, but he doesn’t comment. “You remember that?”

“Pfft.” He finishes the last one and sets the plate on the table. “Of course, stupid. Why wouldn’t I?”

And this—this is too much. This is what he’d been afraid of. Seeing Hinata like this, first thing in the morning, his hair a mess and his pajamas disgruntled from all the moving he no doubt did in his sleep, cooking breakfast for them both with a sleepy smile on the entire time—seeing Hinata in such a grossly, sickeningly, completely _domestic_ setting is too much.

“Fuck it.”

Kageyama leans down and kisses him.

It’s quick, only a few seconds, and it’s light, barely there at all, but in his sleep-driven, love-drunk mind, Kageyama thinks it was the best kiss he’s ever had. Hinata’s mouth is parted slightly, his eyes blinking, once, twice, three times, before he hits Kageyama upside the head.

“Ow! Jesus Christ, Hinata!”

Before the question is even out, Hinata explains, “I’ve been waiting for you to do that for _three fucking years_ , and you _finally_ do because I _made breakfast_?!”

The response is so unexpected that all Kageyama can seem to muster is a dumb, “What?”

Hinata’s cheeks are pink, and he’s waving the spatula he’s still holding around like it’ll help get his point across. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to do something or say something or just literally _anything_?!”

“ _You’ve_ been waiting for _me_ to do something?”

“Yes!” He puffs out his cheeks and looks thoroughly frustrated, but Kageyama’s laughing suddenly and he doesn’t even really know why. Hinata looks at him for a moment like he doesn’t know what’s going on before he looks away, biting his lip the way he does when he’s repressing a grin, and Kageyama realizes at this point he doesn’t have to hold back so he kisses him again. This time is longer, and when they pull away, Hinata’s lips are red and his eyes are closed and he smells like pancake mix and from this close Kageyama can count his eyelashes and Hinata giggles a little, apparently having gotten over his initial anger, and the sound makes Kageyama believe in that myth that says that fairies are born from laughter.

Kageyama kisses him a total of three more times before Hinata has to insist that they eat the breakfast he made because, otherwise the pancakes’ll get cold, and he tried _really_ hard this time so they shouldn’t waste them. Kageyama admits that they’re good, and the silence as they eat is comfortable. Hinata starts a game of footsies underneath the table, and when he ends up winning, Kageyama kisses the pout off his lips because. Well. He can.

The smile he receives is blinding.

**Author's Note:**

> this was the most half assed ending ever but i jusST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY OKay


End file.
